Trying.

I am trying very hard to be okay and not be a nutcase, despite this year starting off really really terribly, and going down, down, down, downhill from there. Details on how 2010 will be better, coming soon. Remind me to mention Puerto Rico.

In the meantime, happiness.

An admission.

J JUST ADMITTED THAT I AM THE BEST!!!! I am so proud of him for finally embracing the truth.

Permits and Names

J: (referring to his concealed weapons permit) I got a permit!
me: (referring to my learner's permit) Me, too!
J: Not THAT kind of permit, Lisa F. Austin.
me: What does "F" stand for?
J: Frederick.
me: No, F is for fabulous. Or fancy pants.
J: Ha.
me: F is for "fun, comma, barrel full of monkeys".
J: whaaa???
me: No wait, it's "fun as a barrel full of monkeys, comma, as much".

Bagels for every ethnicity. Or not.

Lisa: What kind of bagels are these?
J: Look at them. What do they look like?
Lisa: I have no clue. Sesame, but then some kind of fruit, maybe, but I dunno. So what are they?
J: How can you not tell? Look, that one's some sort of raisin-something...
Lisa: (points to something with brown lumps) I'm particularly confused about this one.
J: Don't even bother. You're Japanese; you won't like that one.

Going peudo-pescetarian.

I am freaking out because today I decided to go pseudo-pescetarian. I don't really eat meat at home anyway but the thought of COMMITTING TO NOT COOKING MEAT AT HOME made me panic just a little bit. Here's how it's going to work:

1. The only meat I will prepare in my house is seafood. Okay, I just freaked out writing that because I am still having a hard time deciding whether or not to make an allowance for BACON. And chicken broth.

2. I am allowed to eat meat when I eat out or at other people's homes.

3. I dunno, I just feel like I need a third rule to round this out. Completely unrelated, I have decided I really need to stop drinking milk. I literally drink it four times a year, max, but I always end up feeling really gross afterwards. But I'm keeping cheese and butter in my diet. Which I am allowed to do. Because I'm not going vegan.

As I mentioned above, I have no real reason to be worried. In fact, people often assume that I'm a vegetarian based on what they see me eat. But I still feel like I might be marrying the wrong man, or I just got a tattoo that I'll probably regret in a week.

To cheer myself up, I bought a mustard-and-something encrusted salmon fillet for tomorrow.

J loves this.

me: you're such a bull-shitter

J: that was pretty good wasnt it?

me: yes

i wish i could bs like that

instead i just always seem guilty, even when i'm not

16 minutes

J: youre always guilty

me: i am not

J: and youre in denial

10 minutes

me: no, never

denial is a river that runs through egypt

J: no, THE NILE is a river that runs through egypt ... that joke doesnt work in text form

me: denial

derivernial

J: thats not a word

me: deliver nial

Skinny.

J went home so now I am all by my lonesome. This morning I told him he looked skinny and he really appreciated that. I like boosting people's self esteem so I tried the line again this afternoon. I told him I didn't believe he had eaten his burger and fries because he looked so very skinny. This time he said I was laying it on a bit too thick. I thought my compliment sounded sincere.

Tomorrow I will ask him how many times a day he throws up in order to stay so skeletal. I will also tell him that he looks especially tall for some reason.

Lunchtime update.

J and I had Five Guys for lunch. I always win because I am older and taller and smarter. And willing to cross the street to pick up the food. I win because I am not lazy. Not when it comes to food, anyway.

Lunchtime deadlock.

J won't have Five Guys for lunch so we are now at an impasse. A hungry, hungry impasse.

Because people are metro-retarded.

"I'm going to sit down so we're not all just standing here looking at the seat. If one of you would like to join me, that's fine."

My words to the two men standing next to an empty metro seat, as they each took turns slightly leaning towards it, then pulling back, for about 15 seconds. (Out of politeness?) I stopped short of announcing that I was taking the seat as the sole lady of the group because 1. ladies don't announce that they are ladies and 2. I'm not sure I really count as one, anyway.

The writing's on the wall.

My middle school crush wrote on my FB wall. Heeeeey.